So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
