??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
