The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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