did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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