Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
