I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
well you can't waste a boner
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
