Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
