GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
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I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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