I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
