I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
