this boner is exhausting
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
