That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Randomize
