There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
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