so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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