I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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