New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
