thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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