now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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