I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
