Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
