Fine. I'll sleep in my office
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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