you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Randomize
