I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
