I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Randomize
