I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
