Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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