he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you traded sex for a burrito?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
