Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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