He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
