Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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