Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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