I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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