my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
