Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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