Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize