If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
