I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
