I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
