it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
