I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
