We won't sleep together?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My vagina is officially offended.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
