You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
