I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
