final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
