In the future we'll all be gay
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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