i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
