From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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