On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
