Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
