my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
