Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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