i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
