Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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