I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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