I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize