life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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