remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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