Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
