My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
