considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
