yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
