I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
